The Final Up with People post

It’s been a month and a day since I parted ways with Cast A, 2008. It feels like a lifetime ago, it feels like a minute. I haven’t experienced the heart-wrenching, depressing aches that our staff prepared us for. I’ve had my moments, weird things remind me of people and places, but these memories don’t stay for long, they float away as swiftly as they came. And I’m ok with that. Maybe I’m not nearly as emotional as I expected because I’ve kept myself busy, I haven’t had much time to contemplate the past. Maybe I’ve come to terms with life, the nature of which is temporary and fleeting. I figure if I spend my time now missing everywhere I’ve been, everyone I’ve been with, I’ll miss the present moment, which is equally valuable.

Mostly, my time at home has been spent with my friends

and family, which has been strange in a very good way. I’m not used to spending so much time socializing. Before Up with People, I always had something to do, dance classes to go to, violin lessons, quartet or orchestra rehearsals, now, I have had more of an empty void; a void I can fill however I please. It’s been nice just being with people instead of rushing around, going, going, going all the time (although I’ve had plenty of that in the past two weeks getting ready for my party).

And I haven’t been completely cut-off from my cast mates. Facebook, apart from the annoying applications and extra crap, is a tool I have found extremely comforting and useful. I also went back to Denver for a week at the end of June to record a song for the new Up with People cd. I was also there because I was chosen to be a part of the Convention Cast, which is a cast made up of alumni from all different years (there were some from the eighties, nineties and from my cast as well). We spend the week learning a shortened version of the Up with People show that we will be on call to perform throughout the year for corporations and various other events. I got to stay with my host family from January and see some of my cast mates for a week, which was weird, and nice.

I think those who don’t have a clue what they’re doing next with their lives are having a harder time being out of Up with People. I know I’m leaving August 1^st to go to Bard, so I have something to look forward to and a predictable amount of time this summer to fill up.

July 18, 2008

I’m finishing this the Friday before many of you will read this on paper at the party. Some part of me apparently decided to prove me wrong when I said I hadn’t had any major, strange emotional stuff happen. This morning I was scrap booking and suddenly began feeling very dizzy. My arms felt like they were floating, it was a very bizarre feeling. After an hour of pushing through feeling like I was going to pass out, I just began sobbing for no apparent reason. I felt crazy, like maybe this is what a panic attack felt like, like the world was going to end, like I would never be happy again… It was all very dramatic, of course (at least in my head it was). But it felt so REAL. Like nothing I could ever do would be good enough, like I would miss my friends from Up with People forever, like so many thoughts and feelings that fly through your head so quickly you can’t catch them to even recognize what they are. Mom held me as I cried all over her shoulder and patched me up with some homeopathic remedies.

All this happened two hours ago, and I’m still not sure what triggered it all. Maybe all the scrap booking, looking through old bits of the last six months of my life, reminded some deep part of me, that I hadn’t had a really good cry about it all. Whether I was crying because I was sad to not be in Up with People anymore, or because I missed my friends, or because I’ve changed so much and so little, and am still finding my equilibrium, I can’t be sure. All I know is that I cried, big gasping ugly cries, and now, I feel cleansed inside.

Well, many of you who are reading this will see me tomorrow! Can’t wait :).

Signing off,

Marina